For Better or Worse: Foundations

Last week at STORYCHURCH we began a new series called "For Better or Worse." I had so much fun team teaching with my wife as we shared some of what we believe to be the foundations to a healthy marriage. As a recap, here are the five things we shared last week:

1. Be the person you want to be married to - Let's face it, 4s don't get to marry 10s. If you wake up one day and realize you are laying next to a 9 and you are hovering around a 5 - you better get to work before she wakes up and realizes it! Single person - you won't find that faithful, dependable guy at the club picking up girls. He won't suddenly become Mr. Faithful just because you come along.
2. Healthy marriages LEAVE and CLEAVE - In Genesis, right from the beginning we are told that when two people get married that two things should happen - they should LEAVE their families, and CLEAVE to one another. Many marriages suffer because one or both people have never really left home. Mom and dad are still more important to them than their spouse. Some may have left home, but they've never really began to stick to each other. Sometimes that can be evidenced by separate accounts, separate names, etc. (notice that's a "sometimes" and not "all the time"). Do mom and dad decide your vacation or holiday schedules? Healthy marriages have detached from one family to form a new one.
3. When two become one, don't try to make them two again. Have you ever seen this happen? "YOUR child is out of control." "I bring home the paycheck and all HE does is spend it." "SHE has so much debt." When you get married, there isn't anymore MINE and YOURS. There is only OURS. It is OUR debt, these are OUR kids, and this is OUR mess. And if it is going to get better, WE better get OUR act together. On the flip side, I've seen single people try and jump into a WE reality when the fact is they are still two people. Moving in together, buying furniture together, getting cell phones together, paying bills together, mixing finances together - this is messy stuff that can have disastrous results when two aren't really one yet.
   
4. Great marriages don't just happen. It's hard work. You can never stop studying your spouse. Learn about them. Read a book about relationships once in a while. Get better at being a husband or a wife. Dudes - we are so inclined to achieve and accomplish that we often think that once we land a wife the mission is accomplished. NOT SO! She wants to be pursued the rest of her life. If you don't keep pursuing her, someone else just might.
5. Pursue Jesus first. I heard Pastor Perry Noble say one time - "You don't have a marriage problem, you have a Jesus problem." The truth is that without the solid foundation of Jesus in your marriage you will never have the kind of marriage that you could have. If two people in a marriage will commit themselves to pursuing Jesus, that marriage WILL get better. EVERY TIME. If you are learning to be more graceful, more compassionate, more forgiving, more selfless - your marriage can't help but be awesome.

If you want to listen to this message you can do that by going HERE and subscribing to the podcast.

And let me personally invite you, if you are anywhere near the Triangle to join us this week for part two of our series. You can use this link to invite someone you know to join us!

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I fired my wife

It just wasn't working out. I know she was doing the best she could, but the fact is that there was just too much on her plate. One of the hardest lessons I've been learning in the church planting process is how to balance my ministry and my family. And part of that balancing act is making sure my wife isn't trying to do more than she should do either. Yesterday it became pretty clear that her desire to help me and take some things off of my plate was resulting in nothing but stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. So I fired her. I fired her from kids ministry. I fired her from feeling the need to pick things up that don't need to be picked up, and from trying to do everything all at the same time. Maybe being fired is a bit harsh, but she thanked me in the end.

As a leader one of the most important things we do is to make sure the people around us are working/serving in life giving ways. And that happens when people are functioning from areas of strength. People don't get burned out by working too much, they get burned out by working too much doing the wrong things. As a young church of six months, we are just now starting to really understand that. In the beginning it's basically "If you have a pulse, then we need you serving here." But now, as we are growing and getting more volunteers, we can start getting people into areas that are life giving for them. It's not easy, but it's so important for the health of everyone involved, and for the health of our church.

So Kimi was one of the first victims. She was fired from a job that was life sucking rather than life giving for her. And she was reassigned to the things that give her life - being a wife, being a mom, and when she has time - leading and encouraging women to embrace the story they were meant to live.

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Date Night

To all my married friends out there, what's the rhythm of your marriage? How often do you go on a date with your wife? How much do you spend? What are some of the creative things you've done for cheap? My wife and I would like to go out every week, but we have basically no money - so we need some creative ideas. Help a brother out!

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10 years and counting...

We got married pretty young. I was 21, she was 20. But in our defense, we dated for four years counting our engagement. It's not like it was a rash decision. I look back at our wedding pictures now and I see it - wow, we were young. But God has been so good to us. We are truly more in love today than we were on that day. I seriously feel like I'm still getting to know her. It's as if layers of depth continue to be unfolded for me, and I see her in new ways all the time. I have friends and family whose marriages haven't enjoyed the same kind of growth and love. I've seen people close to me split and relationships torn apart. I'm not naive enough to think that I'm immune from that kind of thing. As if somehow my marriage is indestructible. I think it's precisely because of that fragility, that I work so hard at protecting it. Marriage is not easy. It's not a given. But it is the most life-giving, beautiful thing in the world when it functions the way God intended. I get to wake up every day and win the heart of my wife all over again. Some days I do that well, others days I fail. But tomorrow I get to do it all over again. I have been so blessed by this woman. She stretches my faith, she teaches me about love and sacrifice and humility, and I am simply a better follower of Jesus because of her.

Anyway, here are some of the lessons I've learned along the way. I'd love to hear some feedback from others of you who've learned similar or other lessons.

1. Don't go to bed angry. Seriously. Don't do it. There have been times when we've laid in bed where the silence was thick. I might lay there for an hour, but at some point we're going to talk. I won't ignore it. I won't let it go. The second you choose to let it go and bury it, is the second you've stopped fighting for your marriage. Seriously, this is huge.

2. Serve each other. Whether it's cleaning up the kitchen, taking the kids so she can relax, or when she makes me food, or encourages me to go hang out with the guys. There's no "I" in marriage. oh wait... How about "we" is more important than "me."

3. Date. We've always tried to get out and do stuff together. Really in the last year though this has become so important for us. I find that as we get busier, and as stresses increase with finances, kids, etc. it's even more important that we don't neglect dating each other. For many people the difficult times create strain on their relationship. For us these have become important times of connection. I find that we grow deeper and stronger through adversity rather than fragmenting. And that's not because it just happens. We force ourselves to spend the time, to talk through the pain, to confront the elephant in the room.

4. Honor God. I don't know what else to call this. But maybe the best example of this is in finances. Statistics say that finances is the #1 reason marriages don't make it. The stress of paying bills, the differing priorities when it comes to spending, all of that can be quite a threat to a marriage. We have found that God's way really is the best way. And I know that sounds trite or whatever, but stay with me for a second. We just don't argue about money because we are committed to honoring God with our finances. That means we give generously, no matter the circumstances. We have always lived within our means, refusing to carry debt. What debt we had from school and cars, we've aggressively paid those things off. We've also tried to save so that we would have margin in times of difficulty. Right now is one of the most difficult financial times of our marriage. And yet, there is a strange peace in knowing that because we have committed to honoring God in this way, we don't have to worry.

Andy Stanley recently gave a talk about Pathways. He says that the path you're on determines the destination. I know that isn't all that profound, but it's surprising how many people don't understand that. The direction you are headed will determine where you end up, not your intentions or desires. When we left CA to move to NC, we could have done all the planning in the world. We could have mapped out our travel, all our stops, created a budget, all of that. But if we had gotten on Interstate 10 and headed west, despite all our best intentions, we would have ended up at the Pacific Ocean, not in NC. Many people want to have a healthy marriage. They want to grow old with someone and they dream of raising an incredible family together. But then they get on the 10 and head west. They make decisions along the way that lead them on a different path, not the one they intended to be on. And when they get there, they wonder how it happened. Their intentions and their desires for their marriage and their family don't line up with where they find themselves. Kimi and I have a destination in mind. And we believe that the things I mentioned above (along with many other things like sacrifice, commitment, trust, accountability, etc.) will get us there.

Here's to the next 10 years, and hopefully many more beyond that!

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